Separation Anxiety

Today was filled with bittersweet goodbyes, but I guess it really started 2 days ago when I drove 2 hours to Crescent City to drop Queenie off with Kim. I knew the time was nearing, so each day up until then I found myself near tears (and sometimes actually wiping them out of my eyes) and in awe of my 4 legged family members. I wanted to capture and hold each silly and sweet image of them with me, if not forever, at least for the next 6 months. I am always amazed at how my critters seem to live in harmony. Like any doting pet owner, I cherish their quirks and excuse their nuisances. They have been there for me, especially in the last several months to console me and tease out smiles even in my darkest moments. I have grown so attached to my "stolen" Queenie and am so proud at her accomplishments, but somehow it was when I dropped Foxy Lu-Lu off with my parents that it all really came to a head. Foxy has been through thick and thin with me over the past 6 years and although only a tiny 4 lbs, she has showered me with tons of love and adoration.

We sat together on the couch at my parents house saying our goodbyes, but there she only seemed to magnify rather than protect me from the additional separation and abandonment that I have been denying. I am happy, excited and proud that my parents and sister and brother-in-law are embarking on their own great journey and adventure, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that, especially due to the tumultuous relationship that has evolved, that I don't feel a sense of abandonment and betrayal.  I guess it is hard to think that my family of origin has disbanded and will no longer be found where it always belonged. They are leaving and I am getting left behind. The home with memories will soon be filled with someone elses joys and sorrows. Somehow I feel responsible, like if I was something more or someone better, they wouldn't feel the drive to disappear, uproot and "start all over". Somehow when I hear my mother say, "There are too many sad memories", I feel that she is directing her words toward me for not representing an ideal that she holds more dear than the reality of who "I really am".

I wish my family the best and am grateful for the Aunties, Uncles, Cousins and Grandparents that remain to cheer me on and be my "home" when I get back. And who knows, maybe a road trip to North Carolina after my great "walk about" will be exactly the medicine my family needs to heal old wounds and begin a new chapter of this crazy life.

I will miss Foxy Lu-Lu, Queenie, Lena and even the chickens so much, but I know they will be in good hands and will be eager for my love when I return.